For this theory of trans-dimensional corporate existence to be considered at all seriously, the process of movement to and from this parallel dimension needs to be explained. Put simply, How do you get to and from Absurdium?
The Corporate plane keeps many millions of people busy on a daily basis, and the process of moving between these dimensions must be a routine activity undertaken by these same millions of people. Simple empirical observation shows that only a few people (possibly none) possess faster than light teleportation systems, or even a rust free DeLorian capable of 88 mph, therefore the mechanism of inter-dimensional travel must be simpler and less expensive than either of these devices.
My proposal is is that the commonplace process knows as commuting is actually a subtle and sophisticated inter-dimensional translation process undertaken willingly by commuters. Many readers will (like myself) be commuters themselves and consider this hypothesis to be utter drivel, but I ask your patience as I put forward my insights in the hope that this argument might be sufficiently interesting to provoke some deeper consideration.
The most important aspect of the commuting process is its duration. Regular commuters need a reasonably fixed total transit time to get to Absurdium. The most common commuting time is somewhere between 30 and 90 Earth minutes. Too short a time and the commuter is probably not being translated into the higher reaches of Publicly Quoted Absurdium which I wish to focus on, but the lower reaches – occupied by the Limited company or possibly even the lowest zone – known as the “Soul Trader” (see a later posting on [Size Matters])
Note that the commuter usually adopts the mode transport suitable to establish such a transfer time. Car and train journeys are usually an excellent method of ensuring a defined transfer time with small day to day variance. It is a fact that any significant variation in the transfer time due to phenomena known as “traffic jams”, or “leaves on the line” cause high levels of anxiety and discussion amongst commuters.
As an aside, it is interesting to note that whilst “the train” is a multiple person transit system where commuters have the opportunity to interact with others and discuss things such as any ongoing transition difficulties, this very rarely occurs. It seems to be universal truth that discussion of the transfer to Absurdium can only be appropriately undertaken once the transition has been completed and the commuter has arrived in their work environment. It is of course entirely reasonable that commuters involved in a single person transfer (e.g. via car, bike or on foot) refrain from striking up conversations on the state of the road system with passers-by, just in case they are deemed to raving mad by members of Reality.
At this point dear reader, I appreciate that you are not convinced, because I haven’t been completely clear that this inter dimensional travel is best described as a mental “gearing up” for the physical transference once they cross the threshold of their world of work in the Corporate Office. The poor commuter has a massive internal struggle going on in their mind, as they do battle between the natural physical reaction against being torn out of a warm bed and the anticipated mind bending transition into Absurdium.
As there is no solid science, public interest broadcasting, or all party government recommendation on how best to manage this transition, normal human beings adopt their own individual processes based on evolved experience and the meticulous repetition of daily rituals. None commuter, human observers on trains should be able to recognise these common examples:-
- Don’t wake me – I’m ruled by my unconcious. These commuters are unusual in that they must either be able to make the Absurdium transition effortlessly on the very threshold of their workplace, or the preparation effort is so great that it completely incapacitates their waking brain.
- Information Junkie – these commuters are attempting to kick start their mind’s transition by force feeding it with information. Some choose work related materials (business reports, the Financial Times or Private Eye), others choose none work related (such of works of fiction – maybe like this).
- Dead Man Walking. These commuters have an unusual steely eyed blank gaze. They are almost oblivious to their surrounding – running on full automatic pilot as they struggle with their internal preparation for translation.
Obviously it is more difficult to identify the preparation traits preferred by single person methods of transport such as the car – but I strongly suspect the phenomena knows as “Road Rage” is some commuters preferred method of preparation.
Before I conclude, it is essential I include some information about the return trip, from Absurdium back to reality. My personal belief is that it is this return journey duration which is the more critical journey of the two and has the largest effect on Reality. After a full day in Absurdium the worker is usually saturated with material from Absurdium which somehow needs to be dissipated by the elapsed travel time.
Again I must disappoint the reader becuase I have no physical evidence on the decomposition half life of Absurdium when exposed to Reality, but I think it must be of the order of 10-20 minutes, as if it were much longer than this large quantities would be transported back to Reality causing massive marital damage to Reality. (no that wasn’t a typo).
It is interesting to note that return journey times to Reality do appear to be longer than the in-bound ones. Commuters may artificially extend the return journey by introducing additional stops on their way home for shopping or an attempt at a relaxing drink. In my opinion this latter strategy is deeply flawed if the drink is with work colleagues. The presence of work colleagues seriously decreases the rate of decay of Absurdium which can cause problems back in reality
Please note: I would like to request that some of the physicists & mathematicians currently occupied on their latest version of String theory and its implications to the knitting industry, re-allocate their esteemed resources and try to gather some hard evidence of Absurdium decay. Surely the Large HavUon collender would be helpful in this area even at its currently restricted power usage